Ask the Love Guru [got this from Beliefnet]>>What is a Love Guru?
My goal is to help and guide people to finding LOVE. Love with themselves, love with others and just surround themselves with love. Love is the ultimate jacket that one should wear to face the world. Love is a powerful force when used for good.
>>When Will I Meet "The One?"
Greetings Gurudev,
I am wondering, what can you share with singles who seek their soul mates? How will they know when "The One" comes along? How will they recognize this special person? What will your special movie teach us about this?
I think that when you meet someone that you are going to be with, you just know. However, soul mates are sometimes difficult to identify. They aren't all prince charming holding a red rose and making the bedroom eyes at you. They may be disguised as the postman with the B.O. who just needs a chance. And some new shorts. Yikes! Lower the hem, Chief, because no one ordered that special delivery! I think that to find your soul mate you need to be open minded. Let people in! And as for what my movie will teach, it shall be peace, loving yourself, being one with the universal energy that courses through all things, and that the price of a Turbo Tub of popcorn is at least a dollar too high. It's hot corn, for Pitka sakes!
>>Should I Train My Man?
After 7 years, he's willing to put down the seat on the toilet and various other tasks. But, when I say, "jump", he doesn't say, "how high." Love Guru, do you recommend "training your man"?
Training anything is very difficult. Trust me I know, I've got ostriches, elephants and all kinds of other critters running around my ashram like they freaking own the place. And they also refuse to turn the lights off when they leave a room. Annoyyyyying! My electric bill is higher than Guru Maltanto on Chibatar berries. As for your hubby, I don't think training is the answer, because every being on this Earth should walk their own journey while you walk yours. This is the most basic law of the universe... respect. Every person's path is their own for a reason. Like my gardener, who has chosen his path right past my bathroom window when I am busy "dropping the little Gurus off at the pool." Perhaps I have shared too much, but you get the idea. And if you also happen to know about any new, respectful gardeners, let me know.
>>Should I Stay With Him?
Have you ever been in a situation where you love someone but you also hate them at the same time? I certainly have. You love them for the wonderful things that they do for you, but you hate them for putting you through "unnecessary torture", by not doing those things "with you."
I hear you man-knockin', so I hope this answer is a-rockin'. Men are like asparagus: good for you in principle, but too much makes your pee smell. I say it's time to mix up your diet. Be heart smart and read the labels first when you are relationship shopping. Not too much fat, enough sugar, and no MSG (Mortal fear of Sharing and Growth) Otherwise you'll keep going home with bags of bad news. And that just gets you a sore back and a fridge full of fury. Good luck!
>>Should I Return to My Ex?
I have been in a relationship for 5 years to a great guy. We get along well and co-exist happily. The problem is, there's no passion anymore. Any kind-of sex is always initiated by me and it's been this way for a long time. I've tried talking to him and I get no where. Recently, my ex resurfaced and the spark is hotter than ever. He makes me feel beautiful and sexy! My boyfriend rarely takes his eyes off the video game when I enter the room. It's getting really hard to stay faithful! Any advice would be most appreciated.
Five years is a long time, for anything. Ask Braksheer down in the village, who hasn't trimmed his nose hairs in almost six. He looks like he's jumping rope when he walks. But back to you: After putting so much of your life spirit and energy into an individual, and it still being bad, while a previous individual is looking good, could lead to a big problem. For Mr. Five Year Lazy Video Game Boring Weiner! Tell him your worries, and that if there is no change following your chat, then it is time to seek greener pastures. Not necessarily with your past. It's all about moving forward! But if the ex is still as foxy as I am guessing, then I say "release the hounds!"
>>Can I Get Over Him?
I had a break up one year ago and I still love that person. I am sure he loves me too but there is an issue between us that bothers him too much and can't be resolved. Can I do something about it or am I supposed to remain sad and depressed???
First of all, you should never plan to remain sad and depressed. Definitely take steps to alleviate the sadness and depression. Turn on a fan of positivity to whisk those negative energies away. Perhaps once they are gone, you will miss this man less. It is also a truth that things happen for a reason. If it didn't work out, there was a reason. If that reason is a big boulder standing in your path together, you can agree to try and get around it separately and meet on the other side to continue your journey together. But if on your way around the boulder, you happen to meet a sexy lifeguard who has a nice tan and shiny white teeth who asks you to join him at the Burger Shack for dinner, you can alter your path. You are the master of your own course through life, and let's be honest... a free burger is always tough to pass up.
>>Should I Wait for Him?
I am talking to this guy, he sound like everything that I want in a man but right now he is very occupied with his grandmother being sick with lung cancer. The way it sound like she might not have much time to live. I don't know if I should just sit around and wait for him to take care of his grandmother than be with me what should I do? Should I wait for him?
Well, this is a tricky situation. Illness is a sad reality in our world. However, I don't think hanging out with you and hanging with his g-mom have to be mutually exclusive. You just need to decide if you really like this guy. If you do, then put on your understanding pants and stick with him like peanut butter on rice (an old family recipe--great for when your poop pipe is packed) If you do not like him that way, then let that butterfly fly. I think that the g-mom is a non-issue. She could be here today, gone tomorrow or here today, and gone never, like my great aunt Felicia, who was run down by a rogue steer, got pneumonia from the puddle she fell in, and then outlived the entire family. She claims it was because of vitamins and prayer, but I think it was just pure old fashioned anger. Bottom line: if you like him, stick with him.
>>How Do I Find a Good BF?
I am so glad you asked this question, and believe me, you are not the first. So here is my answer. The way you find a good Buttocks Funnel is to shop around online, then go to this Swedish place that... what? Ohhhh, a Boy Friend! I knew that is what you meant. No, I'm not lying. Yes, my face is normally this red. I'm part Irish. Let's move on. I think to find a good boy friend, you need to find someone who complements you and who you are, but with the extra yummy of romance. An equal, with similar interests, and knowledge, and goals you can enjoy on a deep personal level. It also doesn't hurt if they are a tiger in the sack! They need to be a good match in all areas, but a word of caution: before someone else can love you, you must love yourself. But don't love yourself too much. It'll make you go cross eyed, and then the only boys interested in you will be optometrists, and they're a little boring.
15 Love Lessons From 'Sex and the City'by Valerie Reiss [Senior Editor at Beliefnet]
I'm single, a native New Yorker, a writer, and a former sex columnist. To say I could relate to Carrie's NYC existence is an understatement--if you add hilarious dialogue, many guys, a dream apartment, and a wardrobe worth more than most journalists make in a lifetime.
Through my late 20s I was with the girls all the way, even though I often thought their romantic choices were misguided, obviously wrong, spiritually and psychologically clueless, superficial, selfish, and jaded. Pretty much like most of my own.
But in a city where love can be as elusive as affordable housing, SATC gave so many of us perspective, validation, and reminders of the core lessons of love--sometimes in spite of itself, sometimes in the scripts. With the ladies hitting the big screen this week, here's a bit of what I've learned, or remembered, about love thanks to Carrie & Co.
1. Single is Not a Dirty Word
The SATC gals transformed "single"--"spinster"'s more evolved cousin--from being a hole to a presence; they made singledom cool. Even when it hurt.
One of my favorite moments is when Carrie's silver Manolos get swiped from a smug-married's apartment and the friend refuses to reimburse her. She lectures Carrie about spending too much on shoes and not enough on family, playing right in to her singleton's shame.
This, after Carrie has bought engagement, wedding, shower, and baby gifts for her. In a genius move, Carrie registers herself at Manolo Blahnik just for those shoes, single "bride" that she is, forcing the friend to pay up. To me this said the single life is just as valid as the married. We deserve as many gifts and even blessings from our friends and society, regardless of what others might think of our struggles and choices.
2. It's Okay to Expose All to Your Girlfriends
Women talked about sex with their friends long before SATC. But the show gave us permission on a large scale to get graphic and detailed in cathartic and hilarious ways. It was like a six-season long Consciousness Raising group with better outfits.
This seems especially true when it comes to discussing self-pleasuring; it's now much more socially acceptable for women to admit they do it ("I'm getting carpal tunnel syndrome"), and even talk about the tools they use (Rabbit, anyone?). By treating it like any other normal, human function, a burden was lifted, even for those of us who were raised to be open about sex.
3. Fate is Not Always Fate
It's so tempting to interpret the tea leaves of love, to decide that fate is (finally) working in our favor. When Trey saved Charlotte from being mowed down by a speeding taxi, she decided it was fate. Not just that he was a nice guy who saved her life, but that he must be the guy to live out her "marry tale" with.
Turns out--not so much, and I think after that divorce, Char developed a very different notion of fate, i.e.-we don't know how the universe works and just because it seems like synchronicity, it doesn't mean you have to marry the dude. A lesson better remembered than re-experienced.
4. Sometimes to Be Real You Have to Get Ugly
When Charlotte first met her handsomely chiseled divorce lawyer, she kept to the prim, nice decorum that defined her. When she realized she needed to be fierce--and ugly--to battle her Bunny-in-law, she dropped him for sweaty, obnoxious, bald Harry Goldenblatt and then felt free to be as nasty as she wanted to be, fangs and all. Turns out he found her "incredibly sexy" anyway. And once she was able to shatter her preppy, WASPy notion of her ideal man, voila, there he was, right in front of her.
5. Be Vulnerable
More than anyone else on the show, Samantha and her mien of steel taught us that true strength is in opening and trust. She started to get this from her girl-flame Maria ("I've got monogomy, I think I caught it from you people") but mostly from her hot-hot boyfriend Smith Jarrod.
First, he forced on her his "perverse" desire to hold hands, and then, most touchingly, shaved off his golden locks when she lost hers to chemo. We all have an inner Samantha--the part that feigns bravado in the face of pain and trusts no one. Watching her set down her insecurity-as-sword reminded all us tough girls to do the same.
6. There's a Difference Between Childlike and Childish
In perhaps my favorite episode, a guy named Wade had a comic book store, a great record collection, and a scooter. Carrie was justifiably wooed when he drew a cartoon of her telling her to call him. And the girl needed some fun! Mr. Big? Sexy, complicated, but no bag of jacks.
With Wade, she played video games, took a spin on the scooter, got stoned on the balcony of his surprisingly vast Park Avenue apartment. Turned out the guy was living with his parents. And not only that, he lied to his mom that they were smoking Carrie's pot. Lesson? If he seems like a kid, investigate to make sure he's also an adult.
7. Know When to Kiss Goodbye
Miranda asked a date up to her apartment. He declined, claiming to have "an early meeting." Later, she asked Carrie's man of the hour for insight. Berger said, "He's just not that into you," and "When a guy's really into you, he's coming upstairs, meeting or no meeting."
Miranda is instantly liberated, giddy with the blame-free simplicity of it. Of course in real life, sadly, it's not always so simple. But through this and countless other moments, the show taught us that letting go is never easy--even when he's "not into you"--but that if you don't walk away when you know you should, only misery, over-analysis, and disappointment awaits.
8. Don't Mistake Scraps for Jewels
"It was the single most encouraging moment in our relationship." Was Carrie talking about Big sharing his heart with her? Giving her a thoughtful present? Nope. She said this when he gave her the "only" extra pink toothbrush head one night.
Sure, it was the only baby step toward accepting her into his life that he was capable of. But all of us need to love ourselves enough not to mistake glitter for diamonds, scraps for a meal--exactly what that toothbrush head was.
9. Read the Signs
When Carrie got engaged to Aidan, she promptly strung the gorgeous Harry Winston ring around her neck instead of putting it on her finger. Score one for costume designer Patricia Field for the fresh accessory, minus one very big one for the happy future of Carrie and Aidan. Both continued to ignore the signs of doom--like so many of us do--in exchange for hope.
It was a reminder to all of us not to ignore those persistent yet subtle doubts, accumulating red flags--and full-blown panic attacks--no matter how much we want something to work out.
10. Patience & Compromise
Sure, the show was often about taking, and Goddess knows the characters' self-absorption grated horribly sometimes. But as the ladies matured, we saw more and more examples of selfless compromise.
Miranda agreed to have her son Brady baptized even though it conflicted strongly with her beliefs; Charlotte converted to Judaism to be with Harry; and most hilariously, Harry put on underwear to sit on Charlotte's pristine white sofa. As for patience, the girls had a giant Birkin bag full of it for each other. And Carrie, in spite of herself had it big-time with Big.
11. Hold Out for Romance and Butterflies
This is a tricky one, right? Knowing when to hold out for what you want and when to embrace what you have. The SATC girls grappled with that again and again, knowingly, and not.
Romance (and belly full of excitedly batting wings) is fleeting--and yet it's really hard to sustain a happy union that never had it. After dancing with bitter Berger in the Hamptons one night, Carrie reflects with clarity: "Some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies."
12. Romance Isn't What You Think It Will Be
After the most romantic French meal ever--candlelight, fromage, the works, Charlotte and Harry are in bed, gazing at each other and then suddenly find themselves doubled over with food poisoning. They trade urgent, loud, smelly runs to the bathroom all night long.
"There's a moment in every relationship when romance gives way to reality," Carrie says of the two lovers and her own Big fart incident. "Surviving a night of food poisoning together wasn't the stuff of great romance, but it was the stuff of lasting love." And then we see Harry and Charlotte holding hands in a sweet, real, puddle on the bathroom floor.
13. Love Beyond Yourself
Though ever-cynical Miranda adored her baby, she was not instantly maternal, referring to him as "meatloaf" at one point. But she eventually warms to motherhood. And later on, she grows her heart an extra size when she cares for her mother-in-law with dementia, gently bathing her in one especially heart-breaking scene. The girls--and all of us--are at their best when they give and extend themselves to others.
14. Chicks Stick Together
The entire show is about the consistency of friendship (even when alleged off-screen spats seem to be visible on-screen). They fight, work it out, offer support, drive each other nuts, and always come back together--whether it's Carrie making sure there's no "cheerleading" during Miranda's birth, or Charlotte giving Carrie her old engagement ring.
Toward the very end of the series, when Carrie is in Paris, Big sits with the remaining women, polling them for advice. "You guys are the biggest loves in her life," he says. "A guy is just lucky if he comes in fourth." We can all do to remember to treat our friends like the primary love providers they can be, even when we're in deep, central union with a partner.
15. Always Come Home to Yourself
When Carrie is off with the Russian in Paris (wearing that amazing tulle dress that goes on forever), she loses her signature nameplate necklace. A heavy-handed metaphor? Maybe. A key lesson in all relationships? Yes.
It's so easy for women especially to lose their identity in romantic relationships--we tend to merge with our lovers, sometimes dropping our own "names" in the process. Ms. Bradshaw does find her necklace, and any good shrink (or scriptwriter) would say it's important to note that it was with her all along, fallen into the lining of a Dior purse.
The series ends with these words from Carrie, after she has gone back home to New York, to herself, her friends, and her Big love: "...the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."
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